I see mistakes with the way I start off a paragraph, but I can't seem to put my finger on it. Can someone with experience (in the field of creating writing), point out these mistakes so I can improve further. I am incredibly eager to improve and it will be appreciated. Thanks.If there are any sites that help people get better, feel free to leave links. Here is a paragraph:Scarlet held a lantern in her right hand. Her bare feet ambled across the creaky wooden floorboards that had been left unmodified for years. Buffets of wind shook the frame of the windows; jolting and rattling as if evil entities were trying to invade the room with the sole intention of causing chaos and destruction. She hoisted the lamp towards her head level and peered into the glass.
Comments and suggestions in [square brackets]. Scarlet held a lantern in her right hand. [Is it important that it's her right hand?] Her bare feet ambled [right word? Doesn't seem to fit the creepy mood you're going for.] across the creaky wooden floorboards that had been left unmodified for years. [The ancient floorboards creaked under her bare feet, perhaps adding as she (creepy verb) through the room.] Buffets of wind shook the frame of the windows; jolting and rattling as if evil entities were trying to invade the room with the sole intention of causing chaos and destruction. [Wind buffeted the window frames, jolting and rattling them as if a poltergeist was trying to enter.] She hoisted the lamp towards her head level and peered into [through? If the glass is the windows, she's looking out of the window. Into implies she's standing outside the building looking in.] the glass.
How about leaving out ...that had been left unmodified for years and the entire half of the sentence beginning with as if evil entities. In the first case, we get it already that the house is old. A shopping mall or office building erected in 2011 doesn't have creaky wooden floorboards. You've already SHOWN us that it's old; you don't need to TELL us again. And the scene is already spooky enough from what you've SHOWN us that you don't need to TELL us that it's spooky.
See how you like this version. I have tried to stay faithful to your writing style but added and changed certain words............ Scarlett ambled along in bear feet across the creaking floors that were covered in dust and grime; her only source of light being a flickering lantern that cast evil looking shadows on the walls. They looked like ghouls in the lurid light. The wind shook the windows, jolting and rattling like ghosts burdened with chains invading the room; their intention to cause chaos and destruction. Frightened but determined, she hoisted the lamp to eye level and peered into the glass. Edit:... in response to your comment. I thought it would read better if you first set the scene before mentioning the lantern. And once it entered the story, you could use it to create an eerie setting by the use of shadows that looked like ghouls and ghosts which was in keeping with your original excerpt while taking out words like '' unmodified'' This is the wrong word. However, your story idea is pretty good. You can accept my opening or continue to revamp yours. For modified, try undisturbed instead.
