Also, any suggestions for a title?Placid breezeBrushing against the windowBrilliant watersRelocating the sandLike a bulldozerIridescent sunshinePalpably reflecting off the sandOne complacent ownerCapturing this sceneryIn photographs, visual or writtenHundreds and hundred of miles awayLies a manHuddled in many layersOf blankets and coatsWith snow piling by the secondThis is not a winter wonderlandOne complacent owner meetsOne freezing manTogether they switch livesAnd shall they not become corrupted
I think that it's great! very deep and meaningful and i love the emotion of it! The only thing that i would comment on that i felt let it down (quite alot) was the structure of the poem. I'm not sure whether caezura is needed (punctuation at the end of lines). Maybe like: Placid breeze, Brushing against the window. Brilliant waters, Relocating the sand./; Like a bulldozer. Iridescent sunshine, Palpably reflecting off the sand. ? Maybe? Or... have you ever read any of Heaney's poems? I like the way that the structure of the poem stretches across the page (especially when it creates an image of what the poem is about) E.g. Hundreds and hundred of miles away Lies a man Huddled in many layers ....................... Of blankets ........................................... and coats With snow piling by the second This is not a winter wonderland ...kind of like this. (soory about elipsis marks btw, ignore them, wouldnt go right otherwise!) Like when you have to pause very slightly to find the words, it kind of has the same effect as punctuation but doesnt ruin flow. I split the line there to signify the layers that the man is hudded in. So now the imagery is layers, the form is layers and your poem may have layered meanings im sure. I hope this helps... otherwise... the more i read it, the more entranced i get! :)
An enjoy, acquainted a blazing path walked Many instances through kindred spirits I discover relief in hand-me-downs Not excellent well adequate Like my father's woolen sweaters A warmness emanates from inside Radiating to the center of my being But why right here Like a center of gold being plucked through vultures from roadkill The frame of a retarded little one who requested the web whilst to move the avenue
