I have a flat roof, about 24 feet wide.
The wording isn't goodthe elevator dumped me? Really? Since when does that happen? The Mario jokes were just too muchAnd three in the morning and still awake? Does she not sleep? Remember what POV you're usingYou're supposed to be in firstWhich means you stick to what you see and feel and thinkNOT what someone else feels and sees and thinksThe only way you'd know is if you were a mind readerYou seem to spend more on how the mother is talking and acting than the main character.
There is another alternative.at least if you have a Menards nearbyIt is called RainTrax I think.thick vinyl.a great product and will last longer than either aluminum or galvanizedFun to install too.
I agree with the first answererThere are too many Mario jokesPrincess Peach and Yoshi don't even sound ItalianMaybe have her mention Godfather characters instead of those two characters?
I stopped reading after the first sentenceElevators do not dump peopleThe door opens and you emerge under your own power so the image you were creating would not be effective unless you are writing science fiction and elevators had minds of their ownThe elevator ascendedThe doors openedI felt trepidation as I anticipated what lay ahead of mePresent a scenario, a feeling and a conclusion that asks a new question or questionsWhere is the protagonist going? What is happening? Well, I guess I have to read on to find outI hope you do not find my comment offensiveIt is meant in the spirit of critiquingIt is the only way we learnNone of us improved just by reading our own writingYou need an opening line that draws the reader into the story, not one that tells him or her that your words do not reflect anything near what you intend to present nextBest of luck to you.
I think it's funnyI like the Mario jokesI get the impression she keeps doing it on purpose to irk her momYou might want to mention that in description somewhereIt's written well, and I would like to read more which is saying a lot since most postings on YA are pretty badI like the part about Hitchcock's Psycho and the guy she picked up, uncle LarryI noticed a few mistakes, I pointed out below“is doing very well, thank you for asking Correction: is doing very wellThank you for askingfather's death?” She asked, sensitive as alwaysCorrection: father's death? she asked, sensitive as always I said shortly to cover up that her statement had struck a raw nerve This could be rewritten to sound smootherMaybe: The statement struck a raw nerveShe was so willing .
