It is the first part of my manuscript that I‘m writing. I know you don‘t know what they‘re talking about, but this is cut out- that information is given if you keep reading. I want to know several things- Your opinion on the voice, whether or not you‘re interested in continuing or not, and if you like it or not. Thanks, I appreciate it. Remember, HONEST- if you don‘t like it, I make it better, if you do, good. Win win.
I think writing is hard work to put this out there you may end up to disappointed to continue but don't practice makes perfect editing cuts to the core. 1st you describe the women as fat and Oren as tall etc.if this is cut out of book your working on wouldn't both of them have been described earlier.In that case there name should be description enough.I do like the conflict between the two men stop and asses the situation.Or take action primal responce I'm interested how they may compromise the situation or if they split ways.
wow better avoid that guy. he's probably off to the 'hood to shoot some of his homies.
My first impressions is always, idiot., but I suppose that doesn't necessarily means it's true.
Average. Doesn't have enough mystery or tension yet to draw one in. You need to look at keeping your speakers in the same tense. Wrapped in several blankets, a young man reclined against the wall beside the fireside, spoke. compared to: Shivering slightly, he readjusted his blanket and moved closer to the fire. Or: He wore a very calm and neutral expression, and gazing up at Oren, asked “Why not?” The clash of tenses, the extra adjectives, and the multiple images in each sentence tend to slow the reader down. Also, language has an innate rhythm, and more adjectives, although they may help with description, tend to interrupt the normal cadence of language. Expressing one idea per sentence, one image per description, is a learned trait. Reading Hemingway can help with it. Reading your own prose out loud after typing it can also help. Try reviewing this clause from the paragraph above: whether or not you're interested in continuing or not, One or not must go. Had you read this out loud, you might have caught it. If you can, read the letters of Hemingway or Henry James. Both wrote even the most mundane correspondence as if they were composing a novel. Anyway, keep practicing. And, find a style that fits, so you can play with the sentences and such and still be recognized. Then we'll want to read it.
They killed someone.didn't they? I like the mystery behind it. but ummm. the flow of some sentences are a little off. I'm no expert in grammar, but I read a lot so. you might want to revise some sentences. And, if thats the opening part of your book, then you should also revise that. something is definitely off when it comes to the portryal of some things,, the fear of some people. the way they feel. you might want to open your book with ummm, a stand out memory from the main character anything. just not that. sorry, if i said too much(i just like reading a lot)
